“1. If you like someone, wait. 2. Give lots of compliments, even if you’re shy. Everyone else is too. 3. Change. Get a haircut, try new perfume, get new sheets. Become better than you were before. 4. Eat healthier. Learn to cook something fancy. 5. Get up earlier and watch the sun come up. 6. Wear soft clothes, take a bath, drink something warm. 7. Meet someone new, even just a friend. 8. Become closer with your friends and your family. Call your mother. Cry with your best friend. Tell everyone how much you appreciate them. 9. Keep your room clean. Buy some candles. Let the natural light in. 10. Make a list of reasons why you’ll be better off without them. Believe they are true, because they are. 11. Listen to new music. 12. Write everything you’re thinking and feeling. Write letters. Write happy letters, sad letters, and angry letters, even if you’re never going to send them. 13. It’s okay to be sad, but not forever. Sadness is not as beautiful as music makes it seem. Lack of sleep makes your eyes droopy, not deep. Wake up every morning and tell yourself you’re going to have a good day. 14. Go to the library. Don’t forget to look in the music section. 15. Remove them from your life. Get rid of the things they gave you if they make you sad. They’re not worth it. You will never be happy if you continue to hold on to the things that make you sad. 16. Make new memories. 17. Try to find something to appreciate in everything you do or experience. 18. Being alone is okay, you don’t have to surround yourself with people. 19. Become your own best friend. Buy yourself coffee and drink it alone in a cafe. Take your time. 20. Learn to love every bit of yourself.”—
“You need to experience not having it for a little while so you can fully appreciate it once it’s here. And the anticipation can be a delicious feeling all on it’s own, if you allow yourself to let go of the timing.”—Clarity On Fire
7. Love (generously, often and deeply): crush hard on strangers. Fall in love with moments. Smile at people you’ll never see again. Fall deeply in love all over again. Even when you get your heart broken, celebrate your pain and vulnerability and openness and courage. Watch movies and cry. Spend the day holding her/his hand. Say I love you every day of your life. Cuddle like a motherfucker.
10. Let go: for everything you aren’t in control of (and for everything you should relinquish control of), learn to let go. Forgive yourself for the mistakes you’ve made. Forgive others for the pain they’ caused you. There’s virtue and strength in forgiveness. There’s freedom and beauty in fluidity. There’s joy and lightness in a world without time.
I wish that I could cut the pain out. Or at least open it up so it could breath. Allowing it to drip out. Would that rush give me back a bit of my self, the part I feel I have lost? Draining the tension trapped in the wrinkles of my brain. Or in the crevices of my black heart. Sometimes it spills out in words or salt. But mostly stays hidden under the best performance of my life.
“So this is me swallowing my pride,
Standing in front of you saying, “I’m sorry for that night,”
And I go back to December all the time.
It turns out freedom ain’t nothing but missing you.
Wishing I’d realized what I had when you were mine.
I’d go back to December, turn around and make it all right.
I go back to December all the time.”—
“Never was much of a romantic
I could never take the intimacy
And I know it did damage
Plus the look in your eyes, is killing me
I guess you knew an advantage
Cuz you can blame me for every thing
And I don’t know how imma manage
If one day you just up and leave”—Kanye West
“And another thing. Don’t ever kid yourself about loving some one. It is just that most people are not lucky enough ever to have it. You never had it before and now you have it. What you have with Maria, whether it lasts just through today and a part of tomorrow, or whether it lasts for a long life is the most important thing that can happen to a human being. There will always be people who say it does not exist because they cannot have it. But I tell you it is true and that you have it and that you are lucky even if you die tomorrow.”—Ernest Hemingway
I felt like you left my black heart for dead, the day you walked out the door. My heavy sobs almost propelling me to the ground. The way the sadness brushed me with a broad stroke. It had never kept me down for this long. I was able to wind myself up for work. For nights out with friends. That is until they asked of you and I choked back tears. The worst was walking home alone. The air cool and dry. The way the tears shook my body as I quickly tried to pull myself together. Messy, sad, confused. Or in bed at night. Loneliness so heavy that it rested squarely on my chest. I stayed safely tucked in on my side. I would reach over to yours, empty. The sheets feeling cool to the touch smelling of tide instead of you. Yet I wanted you back. Something’s return to you, even though they shouldn’t. I don’t want to let go, not quite yet. I know I need to but that is much harder said then done. "I love him, but only on my own".
“When you’re accustomed to loneliness, you become in tune with the rhythms of yourself and your own mind—because you always have to answer yourself at the end of the day, to be alone with your thoughts. You’ll also know how important self-love and reliance is, to love yourself before you love someone else, but I think the universality of loneliness teaches us what that love is. To be lonely is to be human, to feel pain, to be forced to know yourself—and the universality of it binds us. Love is embracing that universality and surrendering to it. It’s looking out at a lonely universe and knowing it’s fabric makes you who you are.”— Nico Lang (via rauchwolken)
My heart feels calm and warm tonight. I’m excited to have things back which had been taken from me. It’s as if I’m 16 all over again and with that my freedom has been reinstated. Quick exchanges and quick smiles give me the boost I need to maybe get back in the game. I’m getting ready to rally and put on some channel number 99. For now I focus on jb. Allowing myself to get lost in a Loreal moment, because I am worth it!I am exactly were I am supposed to be. Take out and long phone conversation. I am letting the worry drain away. I’m tucking it in for a nap as I can feel the lightness beginning to percolate. Oh how I’ve missed it. I can still hear the shards of my black heart rattle back and forth in my chest. The hurt is not so bad today and I thankfully embrace that for as long as I have it. Come What May…
It’s like a tsunami sometimes. So fast, quick and breathtaking. It consumes every inch of you. It ravages your framework which used to define who you are. I don’t like feeling lost or consumed, or angry. I wish I could be airbrushed perfection. The one who cares when dishes are dirty or when laundry piles up. Instead I focus on moments with friends, that point when their laughter becomes a cackle. I notice the tiny tears that seep into the crows feet around there eyes from laughter. The way the thick sweetness of peonies smells in the middle of July. Those are the things I notice, but they are not quiet good enough.
“I know I should be feeling thrilled right now. Im in print, I’m young-ish and im healthy. I’m alive. I’m a living breathing thing, and its really its overwhelming how lucky I am. But yet every night I go to bed, and I have this gnawing feeling. Like what i’ve got is not enough. And every morning I wake up thinking the feeling will be gone, but its not. Does that make me selfish, fucking ungrateful douche bag?”—
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand Six Hundred Minutes
I have lost all track of time. It feels as if years and years have gone by since the last time I touched your skin. Yet it’s only been days. I wish the years and years would tumble over me. Truly and Quickly. Because the only thing that can heal wounds is time. I don’t want to feel this any-more. I want to be done. I want to think of you and not have my stomach drop. Or tears drip from eyes. Or to feel the shards of glass shake back and forth in my chest. I want to forget what I know and go back to what I thought I felt. Instead I sit alone waiting for the years and years to pass.