When i'm not chasing the rabbit...

To always be cast in a certain light is a damn shame. How does one break through. I cannot control another humans feelings. How can I change their perception. I felt this before it happened. Casual signs that set off mini flares. I could feel the pain resting on top of my shoulders. Waiting. Just waiting. I’m so exhausted. I’m lost in the confusion. They are never quite sure. They always still want me in some capacity just not completely. This contract is about to be terminated. It does nothing but reinforce the loneliness that lives in my black heart. What I fear always materializes. Never quite worth the effort. Or simply an afterthought. Or a realization when they loose what they had. Regardless of the thought process the end result for me is the same. An initial rush of hope and potential. Which is slightly tarnished when the worry flags are raised. Love me. Pick me. Choose me. I guess we can’t always get everything that we thought we wanted.

Sometimes you need to seize the moment. Sometimes the energy being exchanged is far to great to let it pass. You want to grab hold of it! Savor every last piece that has been set afire in front of you. You are a dead poet carpe’ing the hell out of that diem. Moments truly are fleeting. Moments are not tangible they can grow and disappear just as fast or slow as they arrived. Every second is malleable. Sometimes I get complacent by living in the strategy of the pre calculated destiny. In rare and uncalculated moments I don’t act in the way that is always expected of me. Sometimes you do need to plan and save and plan some more. One needs to pick their battles. Sometimes when you jump and don’t think, you end up with bruises. But the bruises will heal. When I was young I was always dreaming but never acting. In my older years I started to dream less and act increasingly methodical. Sometimes though when the exchange if far to great you just gotta jump. Will it pay off? Time will tell. That is if I can be patient enough to wait for it.