To always be cast in a certain light is a damn shame. How does one break through. I cannot control another humans feelings. How can I change their perception. I felt this before it happened. Casual signs that set off mini flares. I could feel the pain resting on top of my shoulders. Waiting. Just waiting. I’m so exhausted. I’m lost in the confusion. They are never quite sure. They always still want me in some capacity just not completely. This contract is about to be terminated. It does nothing but reinforce the loneliness that lives in my black heart. What I fear always materializes. Never quite worth the effort. Or simply an afterthought. Or a realization when they loose what they had. Regardless of the thought process the end result for me is the same. An initial rush of hope and potential. Which is slightly tarnished when the worry flags are raised. Love me. Pick me. Choose me. I guess we can’t always get everything that we thought we wanted.



It’s such a relief when something that has been static for so long suddenly shift. Emails, Texts, Calls have propelled me to this moment. I sit waiting. My hands shaking. My heart pounding. I can feel each insecurity as it gnaws against the walls of my heart.

Thump, Thump, Thump.

With each word spoken, carefully laced with authenticity and truth my heart rate begins to slow. The world shuts down around us. I’m lost in the fine lines in his forehead. Hanging off each, noun, each verb, each conjunction. Devouring each fleck in his eyes. I’m starving yet I hardly touch my burger.

Thump, Thump, Thump.

The table is small and hardly fits our food yet it feels like a gigantic barge creating far to much space between us. As we emerge outside into the cool, damp darkness—I clasp his hand. Rough and warm and comforting.

Thump, Thump, Thump.

The clock bursts with steam behind us. Under white light and rain drops the exchange of energy is palpable. On my way home my poor black heart imagines having to peal itself off the bathroom floor. It’s worried that it may never recover. For now I push that aside as I wait for another breath of fresh air.

nickelsonwooster:

Word.

(via nickelsonwooster)

I sit with the girls on a king size bed, drinking wine from hotel mugs. Truth, laughter and comfort come from nights like these. Were amongst the eyelashes, lipstick, and heels we pour out our hearts and laugh until the tears stream down our cheeks. The best relationships come from friendships. You already have that base and that sense of who they are. Truth. That’s the worse part of dating. Those awkward moments were you try to build that base with strangers yet all I desperately want is to skip through the preliminaries. My Ancient women tells me this is going to happen. Confusion.  I can’t say I have never thought about it. Well not at least for a long while. Maybe because it could be a good fit. Maybe because i’m scared to have someone give themselves to me as much as I would to them. My black heart has been pretty bruised lately. It no longer lives in hurt but rather echoes the sentiments of The Lumineers The opposite of love is indifference. Yet how do I know that there is an opportunity for more. Uncertainty. What if I throw the dice of the wise women’s prophecy only to be shot down? This could very well happen. Worse then risk with a stranger because you can never go back to what you had. The stakes are higher. There is so much more to loose. Similar. Sometimes I feel like we have lived our lives parallel to each-other. Others are scared to be with us for fear they will break us. We are not so fragile you and I. Yet…. I can’t help wonder if I too might break you. As I have broken other’s in the past. I don’t like that we are treated as if we are pieces of a glass menagerie. Could the ancient women be right? Are we approaching a point were we will intersect?



CandyLand and Mario Cart used to rule my world. Back then I enjoyed the game. In youthful bliss many hours were spent giving myself to the moment. My competitiveness bursting through. From a young age we are conditioned for the game. I was good at Candyland. I was even better a Mario Cart. If I lost, frustration rushed up and down my body heating my ears and causing me to clench my fists. But it was o.k. if I lost I would just try again. As I got older there were still games. Yet try as I might I was never good at any of them. The stakes were higher. When I lost the frustration was till there but the sadness that also occurred was palatable  Weighing hard my chest. I still gave all of myself. Perhaps that was the problem. The game is always to leave them wanting more. If they have all of you they have already won and it’s on to the next. Yet they always return. Once they realize that the next is not you. That game makes me sick. For now I think I can play for awhile. They can be the ones to give everything and try.



It’s hard not to feel broken by another. It’s easier to cower back and take a break in the shadows.

No I disagree he says. With warm eyes and between quick puffs on his marlboro lights, the wisdom pours out. I’v been rejected many times. I’v also rejected others many of times. That’s just the way it is. I am confident in who I am and what I have to offer. 

Another drag from his cigarette. This one longer and more thoughtful. In and then out. It’s better to take the risk then to live in regret. 

To live in regret. I choke on the words like the puff’s of smoke that rushes my lungs. I suppose those are the shadows that I have made my home in recently.

Why do you care what a stranger thinks of you? I’v never regret any relationship i’v been in he muses. The rejection doesn’t bother me because it really doesn’t matter. 

His wisdom lingers like his cigarette smoke on my cardigan.  As I chew on his assertions slowly like a mento’s who’s taste is both shocking and comforting at the same time.

nickmiller:

After everything she’d been through—all the heartbreak, all the loss—the light in her eyes was still undimmed. It gave him a lovely hope.

I remember the first time I watched the movie Bridget Jones, I wholeheartedly identified with Bridget. 

She is the type of women who wan’ts to be so pulled together yet is this clumsy, goofy mess.

Whenever I go out with my married or in a serious relationship type of friends, the conversation inevitably always turns to the same repeat questions. Who are you dating?(Oh you know, I’m just taking a break.) Why are you still single? (Because my parents couldn’t afford a dowry? ) and in a glaring double vision with their doe eye’d Bambi eyes they stare back at you, so intent on a REAL answer. 

My best advice? Never face the married’s without a cocktail or two!

I always feel like some rare, weird zoo animal. The one that is unable to attach itself to another which makes me this sad, con drum for the marrieds. It’s often like looking at a reflection of myself, my own confusion and self doubt materialized right in front of me.

Why is there so much pressure to find a suitable mate. Other then the regular biological need to procreate, or perhaps the desire to have a condo in the downtown core which can only come from a double income, i’m unsure why there is so much pressure?

You cannot get everything from one person. I really do not think that is possible. That is why you form many different types of relationships with people. People will come and go in your life.

As I have grown older this is something that I started to come to terms with. I never wanted people to ever have to leave my world. I always wanted them in it for the most part and was always so torn when inevitably when they had to leave or I had to leave for work or school or other pursuits or just how people can drift away from each other.

However I have began to see that even as people come and go. There is a sort of method to this rotational madness. I think that you can build your ecosystem by starting with your family. A family can having many different starting points. Our society has created so many different kinds, two parents, one parent, grandparents, adopted, step, half, the combinations are endless. Which ever combo you come up with essentially will create your base.

From there you elaborate. The rest of your ecosystem I believe can develop and change however each person that is important to you resembles a certain archetype.

In the satellite aspects of my ecosystem I have always had the “child like”, “the funny”, “the party,” “the intellectuals,” people who all bring a unique characteristic that have always sought to fill that role in my life. I have always had a friend who has fallen into one of these category’s. Sometimes they leave me, sometimes I leave them. I meet new friends and they are exchanged out.

Among those basic archetypes that often rotate in and out. You are lucky to meet the kindred spirits. The ones who are so unique and rare that they often cannot be singly classified. Kindred spirits can fill several of the above roles. These people if your lucky to find them make up the immediate circle outside of your core. They often blend into a family and friend role. This delightful hybrid that I often dub the urban family.

Then for the lucky few you meet your heart’s desire. This is the person that marrieds have already found and want us singletons to have as well. Somehow though I don’t think that they truly (the hearts desire) define who you are as a person. The same way the rest of your ecosystem doesn’t truly define you either.

Finding your hears desire is the one of many things in life that you have absolutely no control over. The same way when your really fun party friend moves away you can’t control when your going to meet another really cool party friend. However the latter does not seem to have as much pressure riding on it.

So I say roll with the punches if your heart’s desire comes into your life, enjoy each moment you have with them, and understand the work that goes into maintaining such a relationship. I don’t think my bitter black heart is to cynical to think that such relationships are nothing but perfection because there not.

Also don’t assume that if you can get EVERYTHING from them. Most likely you can’t and you still need to maintain the ecosystem in order to have all your needs met. If you have yet to find them understand who you are and enjoy your life.

I think it is to pedestrian to get caught up in only achieving that relationship.  My friend SM once told me just live your life, and if someone happens to come into to it then great, if they don’t then that’s OK to. 

Being by yourself is not this horrific negative thing that I think sometimes the marrieds think. Well unless your only goal in life is to have a Yaletown apartment because well lets face it that cannot be achieved by being a singleton. So if that is your ultimate goal, think outside the box and get a roommate ’yo. ;)