Sometimes I just want to be old. Sitting out on my porch watching the waves crash in. Sipping on sweet tea. My hair sparkling with silver. With you sitting by my side. Filled with stories and sentimentality. For now I keep trying to make the best moments to look back on.
We are coming up to the point when I could loose you. Yet when I step back, you step closer. When I push back, you hold me. Not light or carelessly but firm, steady, and kind. Yet I ache to know if you are about to disappear like all the rest. Even though you are unlike any that have come before you. My mind dwelling on your untold secrets which I don’t think exist as you appear to be the exception. Time rushes by quick and effortlessly. You are quite, calculated and ambitious. You make me feel calm and protected. Such feelings are un-charted terrain and I gulp back each breath of fresh air. When I look ahead there is no fog just many tumbling hills. Do you see the same?
Afternoon naps are supposed to be delightful bits of luxury. Filled with extra rest and daydreams. Instead I lay shivering alone, my brain wrapped in darkness. It’s as if I was given a glimpse into the world you are in now. A world without me and one with her. Yet my unconscious plays cruel jokes as your life and mine collide once again in my apartment. I had let you go long ago. Hopefully this was the last as my brain catches up on the backlog and processes you away for good.
How do you become a better person? Do you just decide and that’s it? The path to change is bright and I cherish the glimpses you share of your journey with me. I revel as I watch your confidence bubble over as your eyes gleam and shoulders stand proud. I am glad you made these choices because perhaps our collision would not have occurred. Sitting across from you today becomes harder to focus as magic beans and one trick pony blur the edges around us. As If we are in a painting etching out the noise around us. It’s just us and that’s when I catch myself falling a little bit harder. The moment is filled with to much perfection, hops and hope.
Moments like this always feel the same as those days at the amusement park. Bright, warm and youthful. That exact moment when the coaster dips downwards. Stealing my breath away. Freezing me in a free-fall. So quick, fast and all at once. Unexpected yet familiar. Heart pounding and carefree. Small bumps caused by both fear, cold and excitement dot my spine. Yet somehow I have been here before. I have felt your lips against mine. Your warm hands grazing my back. Your eyes so focused on mine that my black heart flutters and I look away. Today has not happened until now yet I feel like I have come back home. Back to a moment that I have felt before. Maybe our hearts or our lips have met before. My mind is comforted to having finally caught up. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.
I am my own public enemy number one. I trip over my own intellect. I get lost in the future. Always anticipating. Getting close to the flame and then quickly retreating. Tiring myself out as I teeter on the brink of vulnerability. However in case of emergency one must don their own safety mask first, prior to assisting others. It’s better to be tangled in the moment. In the playfulness. Feeling the warmth. Being held tight in your arms. Looking at the lengths of your eye lashes. Breathing in deeply the potential. The noise doesn’t matter. Let the expectations slide to your wayside as they are nothing but a distraction from what you have always wanted.
This feels like a dream. The way the fog envelopes us in her milky casing. The sky tinged with the slightest hint of pink as the sun and the moon exchange places. The side-walk swiped with a smearing of frost. “We can’t be in a dream. Where walking to slow. If it were a dream we would already be there.” Where do you wan’t to be? I whisper.” Right here.” As he pulls me in close . Butterfly’s are slowing replacing the shards of glass surrounding my black heart.
It’s odd how it just flicks on. How you can do so well and then you slip. Laborious yet swift. How there is a great distance between my heart and my head. I have learned to just let it come. Let the salt spill out. I’m not even sure why but is rushes my body in small tragic waves. My fingers stretch across my eyes. My thumb by my right temple and my index by the left. As if covering them will make it stop. A little protection never hurt. My shoulders shake. I am thick as thieves with zolpidem, and camomile. If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one around to hear it, does it make a sound?
When your black heart is broken and the shards rattle around in your chest. When the coolness of the floor is more comfortable then getting back up. For when your lost in the shadow. Consumed by the fear. Drowning in the dark. When loneliness appears to be your only option you think it’s become a choice. It’s for nights like this where the air is clear and optimistic. It’s for when the clouds hold back the rain. So you can walk together and feel another person’s empathy. So that you can hear their tragedy. It’s for when you want to touch but can’t and you wait with anticipation. It’s for when you linger in the light. When you feel the heat in the restaurant but get lost in the laughter. It’s in the warmth of his hand as your fingertips feel each and every groove. It’s the smell of leather and hope. It’s when your black heart is fuzzy, sweet, and revived. This is why you pick yourself back up.
Your arms are wrapped around my waist. You hold me in tight as we walk through the cool night together. Criss crossing down the quite streets hidden away from the bustle. I glance over and you are looking at the stars. So clear and dark. It’s hard not to get lost in the expanse above us as it’s tucked in between the skyscrapers. Light, warm, and safe. You are his antithesis. I am content. You smell like soap, security, and hope. My black heart breaths a sigh of relief. You are exactly what it needs. No rushes of jealously or burst’s of anger. That glint in your eyes when you look at me calms all of my brokenness. And here I go again…