As the sun shines brighter. As the cherry blossoms explode. As the daffodils begin to pop up. I know it’s coming. I can feel the sand between my toes. I can smell the sunscreen  I can taste the cold beer. My brain is infiltrated with memories stained with nostalgia  When the hot days bring slightly cooler nights. Nights spent laying on trampolines looking up at the dark sky smattered with teeny tiny white lights. Gazing up at the expanse of the world puts my little life into perspective. Yet there I lay placing dreams and hopes and wishes on the teeny tiny streaks of twinkling light above me.

The night before I dreamt of you. My mind so desperately trying to finish processing us. Trying to file away the warmth, smiles, and hope. Trying to digest the abandon, loneliness, and hurt. Deep thoughts and lofty ideals.  Amidst the unconscious recesses I felt your touch as you held me tight. I breath you in so deep trying to replenish the fading memory. I kept trying to grab your hand. It kept slipping away. You kept slipping away. We kept slipping away. With a quiver i’m back in the now. Back in the safety of my quilt watching the sunshine creep in. I reach over to feel your touch. But there is nothing there but blankets and sunshine. 

Down in the basement on big wooden tables we eat and drink and are merry. Lost in the confusion of terribly long beer list’s we choose to ignore the hoppiness factor and take it as the happiness factor. The more squirrel nuts the better. We celebrate a friends life as he hones in on a quarter of a century. Laughter, slurs and hugs. I wish my brain would remember everyone of these ordinary moments which prove to be nothing short of extraordinary. It’s funny how I always end up in ally ways getting into trouble. Ninkasi, Tofino, Deschutes, are my liquid courage selections for the evening. Such choices take my educated brain and dial it down to the capacity of a three year old. The heart trumps the mind. Intellectual girl becomes the dumb girl. Yet I have been given permission. 160 characters at a time I make bad decisions. However for the first time in a long while my heart read’s words it’s not just wanted but needed to hear. My black heart is feeling light. The morning typically brings nothing but harsh light and regret. Yet this morning I dwell in comfort and clarity over coffee and eggs. 

I never really felt that I fit in there. My stress level always resided on the higher end no matter what. It was as if I was holding my breath for five years.

It’s troubling to feel like you still do not know anything even as the years slip away.

Just

keep

holding

it…

Hindsight is always twenty twenty and now looking back I wonder how I did not rescue my soul sooner. How I let it lay there hurt and shackled. 

It’s interesting how the fear of variation, the fear of something fresh, the fear of the strange, the fear of consequence creates four thick walls around us.

Just

keep

holding

it….

It’s easier to stay behind the walls then to figure a way out. Just keep ‘yer head down and trudge on….

I always wish that I had the ability to make a change before things become to insufferable.Inevitably you reach your breaking pointas you question, “WHAT AM I DOING!”

I

CANT

keep

holding

it…

It is at this point when something clicks and the courage to move on has come. It rushes in fast and quick propelling you forward. 

With my head down in the cage of darkness I fumbled around desperate for a way out. Struggling. Apprehensive. Fearful.

I

CANT

keep

holding

it…

It wasn’t until I finally looked up did I realize that I could make my escape. Light bulb moment. Once you take your blinders off change is imminent. Aspire. Hopeful. Content.

It’s comforting to find a place were you feel like you fit. Nothing is forced. Your hard work instead slides you smoothly as you fill the missing piece.

And

Exhale.

 What a rush a breath of fresh air feels like.

A Quantum Mechanical Effect Between Identical Particles

An exchange of energy is one of the most brilliant feelings.

When you look at someone and there is this shimmer in his eyes that breaks down barriers.

I always wonder if the exchange is reciprocal… 

Is the energy felt on the other end?

Or does the current of electricity jolt from me only to dissipate?

I am apprehensive to make a change were you would not be in my world everyday.

If I take a risk your presence in my life could be in a capacity that has the potential to be so much greater.

If I take a risk your existence could also could disappear forever.

There are so many reasons why we should not be together.

Yet when you look at me my black heart melts and thumps so hard in my chest it’s hard to breath.

The mere thought of that feeling sends goosebumps up my spine and down my arms and plasters a permanent smile across my lips. 

To freeze frame a moment in your arms would be perfection…

IF you feel the same exchange.

behindperceptions:

everything

slowly fades

into the night

amnesia lips

long to kiss me

so i can forget you at last

but i never want to stop

thinking of you

(via behindperceptions-deactivated20)